I didn’t realize just how headstrong I was.
Entering my second marriage, I knew I had grown to be fiercely independent.
The previous decade of my life had been spent picking up the shattered pieces of my world following a failed first marriage. I had to start over except this time I had two small children who were dependent upon me.
As a result, I had questioned whether or not I even wanted to remarry someday.
Then God crossed my path with Anthony’s.
We eventually married, blended a family, and settled in to our new life together.
It quickly became apparent, though, how challenging our marital union would be. We fought like cats and dogs more days than not. We hardly agreed on anything. It looked like we were set up to fail.
If someone would have pointed out that I was “trying to be in control” I would have adamantly disagreed.
I thought I was just trying to get Anthony to see how wrong he was. About all sorts of things. The way he folded clothes; the way he packed the dishwasher; the way he prayed; the way he parented – to name just a few.
I spent the first several years of our marriage in frustration and tears as I repeatedly cried out to God begging Him to change Anthony.
Then, during one of these tattletale prayer sessions, God handed me a mirror and said, “How about we work on you and you let me take care of Anthony?”
That moment marked the turning point in my marriage and set me on a course of becoming a Reformed Control Freak who began to learn about the blessing of living her life more surrendered to God.
To be clear, I continue to be a work in progress, but I have learned a couple things about trading control for surrender that I hope serve to be a help and a blessing to others reading this.
- The choice is always ours. God always leads by example. At no point does He ever push His ways upon us. He gives us the choice to follow Him; to surrender our lives to Him; to trust that His ways are better than our ways.
As the Holy Spirit continued to show me this truth, the more I began to see the places and spaces in my life where I was trying to be God instead of trusting that He is God.
His gracious invitation became personal to me: “Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest.” (Matthew 11:28 CSB) When I chose to relinquish what was a burden to me and give it to Him, He gave me His peace.
- Control always reveals a lack of trust. The tighter I tried to grip the steering wheel of my marriage (let’s be honest, actually my life), the more angry, resentful, and bitter I became.
The simple truth is that I was never created to be in control. God was. And He’s so much better at it than I am. My futile attempts to control things were only a revelation that I really wasn’t trusting that God knew what was best and that He loved me enough to do what was best.
At the root of it all, I was really trying to do the Holy Spirit’s job as I attempted to control my marriage and change my husband.
Most of life’s significant changes take time.
Trees don’t burst forth from their seeds and mature overnight. Babies don’t grow to be adults in a month. The same is true for our hearts. God’s refining process in our hearts is a slow, steady, lifelong work.
The beautiful truth of Philippians 1:6 remains a great promise for any Reformed Control Freak like myself today, “…He who started a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”
Until next time, Grace and Glory!
