**The following story is shared from the heart and life of Rachel Quinones – a sister in the Lord; a cherished friend; and a woman with a tremendous heart for God and people. I’ve left the story in Rachel’s own words. It is guaranteed to inspire and encourage you today.**

In the summer of 2015, life felt pretty good.

My husband and I had just celebrated our 10-year anniversary, we had three beautiful children (ages 9, 7, & 5), and we were a couple of years into church planting.

We had just completed our foster care training and had become a licensed foster home.

When we got the call for our sweet boy, it was an easy “yes”.

He arrived just a few short hours later. He was perfect.

We jumped right into life with four kids – nighttime feedings, diaper changes, doctor appointments, bio mom visitations, court dates – the whole thing.

We loved him fiercely.

We were asked if we’d be willing to adopt him. Mom was not doing well and her case was headed towards termination of parental rights. Again, it was an easy “yes”. He was already deeply woven into our hearts.

After months of adoption conversations with our social worker, I received a call out of the blue from the supervisor on the case telling me that they had decided to return our boy to his mother.

That overnight 180-degree change of heart was absolutely devastating.

We packed up our baby boy, and on the night before his first birthday, we said goodbye to a piece of our heart. I couldn’t understand. His mother was not ready – we all knew it. My baby was not safe. “No” was all my heart could say…but it wasn’t my decision.

My other three children wept themselves to sleep for weeks. I had days when I felt like I would absolutely drown in grief. How do you breathe when a piece of you is missing? My husband held us together while quietly grieving himself.

I began to really question what I believed about God.
Who was He to me?
What did obedience to Him mean?
In some twisted way, I had subconsciously believed that obeying Him meant that things would turn out how I thought they should turn out.

I did not understand this turn-of-events, and therefore, God must have got it wrong. This was not how it was supposed to go.

But God had a different plan than mine; a plan that included breaking my heart to teach me how to draw close to Him.

In my deep brokenness, the Lord said to me “It is well.”

“No…it is not well…I am NOT well,” I argued.

“But you will be, because I will make it well,” He gently promised.

Did I believe Him? Not at first. I was disappointed, felt let down, felt abandoned. To get to the point of trust was hard-fought.

We took a short break and jumped back into foster care. Over the next 6 months we had several placements (some very short term, and others longer).

One placement, in particular, I was sure the Lord sent to heal my heart – she just lit up our life and brought joy back into our home. God’s faithfulness, comfort, and promise to “make it well” was slow-moving, but it was happening.

Life moved on; my husband took a position at a church out of state; and we prepared to move.

The night before we moved, I got a call from my boy’s social worker. They were removing him from his mom again; they wanted to place him with us; they know he is ours; this will definitely head to adoption…

My heart broke into a million pieces.

“Why, Lord?”

I can’t take him. My home is in boxes. I’ve waited for this call for months; why now? How do I leave my baby behind? My heart screamed “yes”, but our circumstances had changed, and I had to say “no”.

The social worker brought him to see us – what a bittersweet gift. With our home packed up and an early morning appointment with movers, we spent 30 minutes in the backyard playing with our boy. We laughed and played and ran around and it all felt perfect.

I held him for the last time and kissed his face and told him how much I loved him…and once again, we loaded him into the social worker’s car, and he drove away to meet his new forever family.

All of those lessons in trust felt like they flew out the window. We felt like we were back to square one – we felt like we lost him again.

I questioned God more than I ever questioned Him before. I felt loss more than I’d ever felt it before.

And once again, I was left to face the questions…
Did I trust His promises?
Did I believe His plan was best for my boy and for us? Did He have the ability to “make it all well”?
Is God really good?
Does He see me?

Daniel 3:18 says, “And if not…He is still good…”
Did I believe that even if God did not do things my way, He is still good?

I am humbled to say that the struggle to believe this was overwhelming. My answer was “no”.

When we are faced with the state of our own heart – our doubts, our unbelief, our disappointment – there is a wrestling that occurs. A wrestling of control; a wrestling of truth; a wrestling of character.

Shortly after we moved, I was standing in our new church, attending a small worship service for just staff, and we were singing a song called “Here Again”:

I’m not enough unless You come. Will You meet me here again? ‘Cause all I want is all You are, Will You meet me here again?

Those words were a cry from my heart, as I begged the Lord to show up, to see me, to meet me. And do you know what He whispered back to me?:

I AM enough IF YOU’LL JUST come. Will you meet me here again? ‘Cause all I want is all you are,
Will you meet me here again?

He just wanted me. He wanted me to lean in, to draw close, to show up again. He wanted me to trust Him. And I said “yes”.

Three months after moving away, we hired a babysitter for our kids while we went to a Christmas party.

She was from the West Coast (we lived on the East coast), and she was doing an internship at a ministry near our church. Through a friend’s recommendation, we found her.

When I got home from the party, we were briefly chatting and she asked me about a mug I had in my cupboard that said “It is Well.” The mug had been an Etsy purchase, and our babysitter happened to be friends with the woman who had made it.

After discovering that, and talking about how “It is Well” had some very personal meaning to it, I showed her a screenshot on my phone of a tattoo I saw online that said “It is Well.”

She lifted her sleeve and showed me her arm. The picture on my phone was HER arm. The tattoo was HER tattoo.

This girl from almost 3000 miles away, was sitting in my living room, and I had a picture of her arm on my phone. I don’t know how to describe the way that I felt in that moment. It was almost like my entire world rushed into focus.

The Lord…in a rather elaborate display of His love…showed me that He saw me; He knew me; He loved me; He was taking care of me; our boy was where he was supposed to be; we were where we were supposed to be; He had a plan; He was trustworthy; He had not forgotten; He is good; It is well.

In my unbelief, He was there.
In my distrust, He was there.
In my doubting and hurting and anger, He was there.

Friends, I promise you, He can handle your hurt.
He can handle your questions.
He’s not intimidated by your unbelief.
But in His immense goodness, He will show you Himself.

My boy turned 10 last week. He was adopted by the family he met after we said “goodbye” that last time.

God’s plan was different than mine, and I may never understand why. He has brought us on a path that looks nothing like the one I envisioned 10 years ago. It’s a path that has required intense trust in Him, intentional leaning into Him, and one that has been incredibly difficult. But the wrestling all those years ago cemented a deep truth in my heart – He is good.

His plans are good. His love is good. Even when we can’t see it – He is good.

God knew something I did not know… He knew that there would be more experiences in our life that would require DEEP wells of trust. He knew I would need a solid foundation in Him and an unwavering knowledge of His character to carry me through even harder days. He knew that I would need to know how to lean into Him without doubt. And I have. And I am.

He shows up in the middle of it all and promises us, “It is well…because I will make it so.”

And it is, because He does.

~~~~~

Have you been enjoying these God stories? Do you have a God story you’d like to share? I would love to hear it! Reach out to me using this contact page!

Remember, your life is a gift to the world and your God story matters.

Someone needs to hear it.

Until next time, Grace and Glory!