**The following story is shared straight from the heart of my daughter, Annah Young. It is longer than a typical blog post and has been untouched by me. I have chosen to leave it in it’s original form just as Annah wrote it – filled with beautiful vulnerability, heart-wrenching pain, and great expectation. I am confident it will resonate more powerfully as a result.**

My God story is a story that is still taking place.

All my life, I have known that I wanted to be a mother. I had countless baby dolls as a little girl, who were all meticulously tucked into bed with me at night, while I sang them lullabies. As soon as I was old enough to begin babysitting, I was taking every job I could find. And as I was heating up bottles, rocking babies to sleep, or chasing toddlers down the hall in a game of tag, I dreamed of how I would one day do this with my own children.

However, after nearly seven years of marriage, countless prayers, and a few inconclusive medical tests, I am still childless. All my life, I have been told by various friends and family members that if anyone was ever created to be a mother, it was me…and yet, here I am…not a mother.

My husband and I have wanted children for years. We have always believed God was calling us to adopt and have been pursuing that for some time. But over the past two years, we had really buckled down on trying to start our family in the more conventional way, as well.

Unfortunately, with each passing month came a new wave of disappointment. Now, after tracking, planning, diet changes, added supplements and doctors’ visits, we are still at square one and seemingly no closer to our dream.

To top it all off, after months of struggling to conceive and having no success in matching for adoption, we were in a serious car accident recently that reminded us of how very fleeting life can be.

Now, if you’re keeping score (because let me tell you, I was), we had no children, no answers, no direction, and now, down a necessary vehicle. At the close of 2024, my husband and I wept together over the many hopes that had been dashed throughout the course of the year, and commented on how we felt as if we were leaving the year with less than we had come into it with.

Not just less tangible or physical items, but with less hope, less joy, and honestly…less faith.

However, even though my faith had begun to waver, God’s faithfulness never dwindled in any way. God has pursued me relentlessly during this season.

“A man’s steps are established by the Lord, and He takes pleasure in his way. Though he falls, he will not be overwhelmed, because the Lord holds his hand.” (Psalm 37:23-24)

Often, when we as humans face hardship, we quickly discard the idea that God is good and we take up the notion that He is responsible for our troubles. I have been no different. I began to accuse God of keeping something from me; of giving me the desire for something He would never fulfill. I saw everyone, (and I do mean EVERYONE) around me conceiving, while I was not and had no answers as to the cause.

However, because we serve a God Who is not only faithful and good, but a God Who does not lose a single one of His flock, He reminded me and reprimanded me as needed.

My story is still ongoing. I have not yet conceived, we have not yet been matched for adoption, and we have no answers or timeline as to when any of this might happen. (And yes, my car is still totaled.)

But let me tell you what God has been doing through all of this, because He has not been idle.

Firstly, just in a tangible sense of providing, not only did He spare the life of my husband and I during the wreck, but we came out with nothing more than a few scratches. He also provided a backup vehicle for me until we are able to get another.

In a slightly less tangible sense, He has taught me in this season to wait. I have never been good at waiting, and I don’t know many people who are. But God has forced me to wait on Him. He alone holds things in the balance. He alone sees the future. He alone can get things moving. He alone can truly comfort and strengthen in times of sorrow.

He has also revealed the state of my own heart to me over and over. One minute I am praising Him and telling Him how much I trust Him. The next minute I am looking for my own set of sackcloth and ashes, crying out to God about how unjust He is.

It became apparent how very little I have trusted Him.

If I cannot trust Him with my fertility, how will I ever trust Him with my children someday? If I don’t trust Him to sustain and protect me, how will I ever trust Him to do the same for them? How can I tell them to trust Him, knowing I am not trusting Him myself?

Before I worry about being a parent, I need to focus on being a better child of God. One will always follow the other. I cannot be a better person, a better wife, a good mother, employee, etc., unless I am first wholeheartedly surrendered and submitted to the Lord.

This season has been one of the most painful I have ever endured, but God has never been far from me. He has shown me that true joy comes only from Him. If hope and joy can only be found in me when I am getting the things that I want, then I am no different than the Israelites when they wandered in the desert, complaining each day about something new.

Though I would never have asked for infertility, I am thankful for it. Because of this heart-wrenching season, God has grown me in my need for and dependency upon Him. God does not call us to independence. God wants nothing more for us than to be completely dependent upon Him.

When we cast ourselves wholly upon Him, it is there that He is glorified. In our weakness, in our heartbreak, and in our need, He is there to be our strength, our comfort, and our Provider.

Prior to my journey with infertility, I would never have admitted or even had the self-awareness to acknowledge that I was living in a state of “leaning on my own understanding” (Proverbs 3:5). But more often than not, I was seeking my own desires, my own wishes, my own paths, and expecting God to bless whatever I set my hand to.

I have come to realize more and more, how quickly I turn to myself rather than turning to God. How often I have looked to others for advice (doctors, fertility blogs, friends who tried special teas and were pregnant the next month), but did not look to Him.

I also realized how much I expected to be comforted by those around me, rather than seeking the One who is our Comforter (John 14:26).

Though this journey is far from over for me, God has changed my life for the better, by opening my eyes to my need. Not my need for a child, but my utter need for Him. I will never stop needing Him. Whether my dreams of becoming a mother someday are ever realized, I will not need Him any less then I do now.

In fact, motherhood will require more of me, which will require that I have more of Him. I do not claim to walk this out perfectly, and I stumble daily when it comes to leaning on Him for my everything, but He is faithful.

He has shown me my need, and He has simultaneously been everything required to fill it.

~~~~~

Do you have a God story you’d like to share? I would love to hear it! Reach out to me using this contact page to connect.

Remember, your life is a gift to the world and your God story matters.

Someone needs to hear it.

Until next time, Grace and Glory!